Clarity

Sobriety doesn’t come naturally to me. Equally, I don’t enjoy being wasted. Feeling lost hours slip by as I lay motionless the following afternoon often only compounds the sense of stagnation.

If sober is a spectrum, I’ll take one out of ten all day, two is acceptable, but by three, I begin to annoy myself. As soon as I sense my speech slur, I’m frustrated.

Usually, I can reel off lyrics as if they were my meditation mantra; my mind’s clear while my mouth juggles syllables. But after my third beer, I’m forced to concentrate. Occasionally, this results in a glorious display of gusto, each rhyme resonating through my chest. Conversely, my muddled mind can intrude, picking apart each minor error in real time, destabilising my ability to enjoy the moment.

Sobriety is predictable, but it’s powerful. There’s the possibility to shape your reality as you choose. You’re accountable, and there’s no excuse or blame to portion. You own each mistake; every misstep becomes an opportunity to develop when you’d otherwise have ignored or overlooked the consequences of your actions.

The thing is, life is to be enjoyed, not overanalysed. Split your time between your mind and the moment. If you consider yourself analytical, intoxication is an escape from yourself, it tips the balance back to being present, but the effects are temporary. The following day you’ll likely swing back even further from balance, analysing each mistake with uncompromising scrutiny.

Personally, meditation has taught me how to silence my internal rhetoric. Sitting motionless, alone with nothing but your thoughts, can appear overwhelming initially. Though, I’ve begun to recalibrate.

Don’t demand instant success. Anything worth doing requires you to overcome adversity. You wouldn’t sit in a car for the first time, push the pedals and expect to pass your test, be realistic with yourself. From my experience, set a timer, tell yourself you’re not moving till it’s done and sit there stubbornly.

People misunderstand meditation. The objective is to focus, but to focus on nothing, to leave your mind as a vast emptiness devoid of all thought. That way, once something requires concentration, you’ll have clarity without distractions or doubt.

If you begin to practice regularly, you’ll only notice the effects after they occur. I’ll never forget the first time my 20-minute timer scared the shit out of me. It’s disorientating and disconcerting in equal measure. How could the time have passed so fast when all I was doing was focusing on each breath? The volume of my alarm, which would have otherwise been just another noise, was deafening after solitude and silence left me in tranquillity.

When I’m wasted, that clarity of thought is fleeting, but sober, it’s possible to sustain.

I’m undoubtedly imperfect. I went out last week, and twice in 24 hours, I came home past 3 am. Though on neither occasion did I wake up loathing my decisions. There is a time and place for uncompromising enjoyment. Having recently finished an exhausting project, I was all too happy to appreciate the opportunity to wake up without setting myself an objective the following morning.

Nevertheless, my relationship with sobriety is shifting. I’m becoming increasingly aware of what’s achievable when my mind is clear. I’m a better person, not just to myself but to others. I consider the consequences of my actions more thoroughly and avert my otherwise reckless or selfish tendencies. Meditation has made me more self-assured and consequently improved my confidence in a way that only being wasted could before.